ode to mom

i know you know how much i love my birth mother.
but what i know you don't know is my love for my mom.

meet mom:
best $9 i ever spent.
she came into my life september of my senior year.
i've spent the past years watching her, talking to her, laughing at her, and walking into the kitchen making jokes like "WOW, mom is getting huge!!" or "we have the cutest mom ever!" ... you get it.

i fed her. i bathed her. i even scrubbed her shell with a nice turtle lotion.
i introduced her to goldfish... and was there for her when she swallowed her first one whole.
i've watched her grow from a tiny little creep the size of a quarter, to a full grown woman turtle. she was the best pet i ever had.

scotty and i had planned on keeping her for the rest of our lives. he complained a little, but i know he loved her. look at the tenderness he shows her!

how could anyone not love her?
apparently some people don't love her.
last night my parents (i mostly blame the birth mother) disposed of her in a nearby pond.

i'm glad mitchell was there to conduct the farewell with love. anyone else in the family would have just plopped her in there and left. he gave her the send off she deserved.

it breaks my heart that i wasn't there.
i didn't even get to say goodbye.

my mom convinced me that "she looked so happy" and it was a better place for her.
however, i'm convinced the empty windowsill in the kitchen will forever make me miss her.

goodbye mom,
i love you.


my life: deaf girl edition

i think having two ear infections gets a bad rep.

i mean, SURE, i guess it would be nice to have my full hearing abilities again. i would love to know exactly when the toilet is done flushing, or hear the signal that lets me know i can cross the street. i wish i didn't have to feel bad for the people who i unknowingly ignored after they knocked on my door or rang my doorbell. and i can't believe i'm saying this... but i almost miss the crickets at night and the birds chirping in the morning. i remember the good old days when i could hear my phone ringing from the other room; yesterday i watched with a confused face as i saw someone was calling me, yet heard no ringtone at all. and you know those grooves on the other side of the lane on the freeway? they don't phase me. it's a total mind-trip to drive on them and feel the car vibrating but not hear anything at all. i would recommend it! the experience was quite thrilling. and let us not leave out one of my most traumatizing ear-infection moments: i went to class on wednesday, and watched in awe as sister woodger's mouth moved, yet i heard absolutely nothing. as far as i'm concerned, the whole room was dead silent. never in my life has school felt so useless. i think i have asked "what?" and "what did you say?" more times this week than i have spoken everything else combined. and then multiplied by 4. i feel like a mental case! it really is bizarre to go from perfect hearing to almost nothing. i wasn't expecting these problems for another 40 years! "what?" "wait- one more time." "sorry, can you say that again?" "HUH?!" the sad thing is, that even if they repeat themselves louder, 80% of the time i still can't hear. i don't know what kinds of things i have committed myself to this past week because all i've been doing is smiling and nodding. sometimes i throw in a laugh to keep myself looking lively.

all of these aside, ear infections are fun! i really have enjoyed the break from eavesdropping on crazy byu students who talk about the most ridiculous subjects. it's been nice to be in my own little world of silence. usually in my math class i have these 3 kids who sit behind me and talk the whole class period and it's so frustrating... this week was just wonderful! i could focus the entire time! all i could hear was the teacher because she had a mic. i'd have to say that my favorite is having absolutely NO sense of volume or tone, whatsoever. i honestly can't tell if i'm yelling, or using "inside voice," or whispering. they all sound about the same to me. usually i'm yelling because i cant hear my own self, so how could others hear me?? i tried to sing in my religion class- HA! it was a joke! first of all, my voice is already altered and man-like due to my coughing for the past 3 weeks... i'm sure my vocal cords are temporarily damaged. and then, there's the whole "i-cant-hear-me-sing-but-you-can-hear-me-sing" thing i have going on. so i start to sing and then i dont hear myself singing so i sing louder. talk about entertaining. and everything just sounds different! i dont know what to do with myself. i'm also nervous that my hand or mouth might get stuck in this position-

so i guess all i'm trying to say here is... pray for me.


love sick

today marks exactly two weeks that i've been sick.
it seriously sucks.
i am already overwhelmed with a full schedule of school and homework and work and wedding planning... i dont have time to be sick.
i cough every 5 seconds and im sure i drive everyone in class crazy.
i have had a fever, sore throat, runny nose, disgusting cough, all mixed with some head aches, body aches, ear pains, days of fatigue, and all sorts of fun things.
i've been miserable.
i went to the doctor after 9 days of torture, expecting him to say i was dying or i had bronchitis or something serious.
he's like "it's just a typical cough... you should get over it soon" and sent me out the door with generic cough syrup i could have bought at 7-11.
i was mad.
i felt like he wasn't taking me seriously because everyone at byu is sick right now, but i can tell my situation is different.
it's worse because i'm love sick

i need this boy in my life! every day i wake up and look at the countdown app on my phone, hoping that the universe somehow skipped 20 or 25 days. but no... we're still at 32. whenever we facetime or talk on the phone, i feel good. i feel happy. but the second we hang up i'm sick and disgusting and sad again. he is so cute and so sweet! he sent me a sick package with soup and nyquil. it was the highlight of my week haha. my roommates are darling and have been taking good care of me... they bought me medicine and saltines and are always asking me how i am. i love them. but there's some kind of love and warmth in scotty's hugs that no one else can offer!
then he came to visit me and i couldn't stop smiling all weekend. i'm in love! above are our post-tucanos faces... not sure if stuffing my face was the best idea considering my conditions.
and then yesterday he left me for vegas again.
i woke up this morning feeling even worse.
(which was weird, because i didn't think it was humanly possible to feel any worse)

after an embarrassing presentation of everything i ate this morning appearing on my office's floor, my manager made me go to the health center again. i've been four times in the month of october. impressive, considering it's the 10th.
anyway, i met with an angel named mary anne.
she knew exactly what she was doing.
she diagnosed me with pneumonia and two ear infections, gave me real prescription drugs, and sent me on my way. see?
that's pneumonia.
and these are my new best friends: